Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stay strong Taylor....

Anyhow love buddy. Anyhow love!!! So there was a small set back in running away. You know better and you will take the lesson and grow from it. Just stay strong and know that no matter what, we are doing what we feel in our hearts is best for you. Not best for us, as I miss you like crazy!!! It is your future we are talking about here.

Stay strong, stay focused and feel all the love that surrounds you buddy boy!

Love ya to the moon and back buddy... to the moon and back.....


Monday, September 22, 2008

Son, our time is so close to going! I am so excited. I so wish that you were living here with me that we could count the days down on a big chart like we did when you were little. That was so much fun! I am sure that you are excited too.

So, what are you most excited for? I know you love Universal Studios, so I think that will be a great day for you and dad. I will most likely opt to sit out with Carlie on most of the things since she is going to not want to be on a lot of those rides or sets. That is all right. It can be a day for the guys. I will be okay with that. I think I HAVE TO go on Jurasic Park ride with you. Remember how you get all wet on that ride. We will need to be sure to get one of those ponchos to escape some of the water. I hope you are going to love the day there. I hope they pull you up on stage this time. You barely escaped it last time.

Second day is our day of rest. I have a great friend that is in the area and thought it would be cool to meet up for lunch with him, but, he is very busy and that will never do. So, it will be a day of just rest. It might be cool to drive to the ocean. I love being at the ocean and hearing the water and the sand between my toes. Just like you. You have always loved the water. You, by far, are my water baby! Although, Carlie is close behind I would have to say. That night is also the night that we will pick up Sis and Spencer at the airport. That will be fun. Maybe we could go to Spaghetti Factory for dinner if they have one in the area, as I know you love Spaghetti Factory.

The following day we will most likely go to Disneyland. I am excited for you to go. My heart keeps smiling each time I think that this is really happening. I know it touched your heart the other night in Red Lobster when you were crying. I had to stop and think, *Does he really understand how much we love him?*. The tears coming down your face, makes me believe that you do feel the love that we have to share with you. I am just so proud of you son. I just wanted to hug you til all the tears quit running, but then I thought.... nah.... tears are good for all of us. It doesn't matter if we are young or old, what color our skin may be, a male or female, or the shape of our body.... tears are good for everyone. Listen to your tears son, as they will teach you so much about yourself, things that you never imagined knowing.

I think that we will go to Knott's Berry Farm on Thursday, according to Dad. It will be fun. I am sure that we will eat dinner there that night. They have the best food. I am so worried about gaining weight on this vacation! I am excited to go on the roller coasters with you. That will be so much fun!!! I am so glad that you are not afraid to go upside down any longer, as those are the very best ones! I just can't wait!!! Are you going to go on the one ride that takes you straight up and then drops you and you fall stories before it lifts you back up again? I think that that one will be so fun. I will go on it with you. I am afraid of heights.... so you may have to hold my hand and you may hear me scream.... but that is what makes it so fun....

The last night we will go back to Disneyland. Dad said that they have a light show or parade that he doesn't want us to miss out on and it stays late on Friday nights. My boss at work said that we should pay Mickey Mouse 20 dollars to beat up Spencer and tape it for you tube. It made me laugh... he was trying to get under Spence's skin.

I am really excited to see Grandma and Grandpa also. I miss them so much as I am sure you do too. They are anxious to see you Taylor. I am sure Grandma will spoil dad, as usual, and the rest of us too, with all of her Japanese cooking. I am anxious to see the cousins play with Carlie and to see Auntie Janice and Uncle Lindley, Geoff, Stacy, Krissy and Raul. I miss Auntie Noreen and Auntie Michelle so that will be nice. I am sure we will see Uncle Michael also.

Okay sweety.... just wanted to touch base to say I love you to the moon and back and I can't wait to spend so much time with you.

I know we will eat at In and Out, like I promised and I already talked to dad about eating at L&L bbq for you also. If you have other places you think of, you better think about it. This is for you buddy. We are so proud of you....

Luvs... Mama!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dear Tay.... today is the day....

Hi son! Good morning to you! I sit downstairs typing this to you. I think of you often in the mornings when I get up, as it feels so odd knowing you are out of the hospital, but I still am not waking you up for school. Today is a Saturday though, so no school anyhow.

I feel 100% spoiled this week getting to see your face so much! I just love that face!!!

I still miss you sOOOOO very much! It seems so odd that my baby can be almost 18 years old. I just can't imagine time passing that quickly, but it does. That is a lesson I want you to know son, time goes by quickly. Due to this, I want you to learn a lesson about your heart. You have to do things in life that make your heart happy. Things for Taylor only. You are so much like me, in many ways. We always put others needs ahead of our own at times. In balance that is a fantastic thing. However, there can be times that we lose ourselves due to not caring if our own needs are met. Meet your needs, don't sell yourself short Mister!

You know, every night, I sleep with my phone under my pillow, or next to my pillow. That way if you or sis need me, I am always available. Any day, any night... I am here for you... always have been and always will be. I never want you to wonder if you can call... just call.

I am sooo proud of you that you are now a SENIOR in high school. We are going to go get your senior portraits taken here soon so we can get them in the yearbook. I will need to go to the school to buy you an annual also for you to keep. Taylor, you get to graduate. How very exciting for you buddy! I am so proud of you hanging on. I so knew you would get to this point. Dad and I have a lot of faith in you buddy. Just keep going son! Hang on, and when you feel like letting go, tell us, we will help you every step of the way.

I am so glad you like your new school. I think you like it as it is set up somewhat like a college atmosphere. Your teachers and the staff seem much more capable as the other teachers you have had in your past. It made me cry knowing how many people were there to support my son. You are such a special young man, and you are so loved. I know you don't like me speaking up a lot Tay, but, I want to make sure you are aware that I will make sure your needs are met. Your dad will do the same also. Your best interest is what we want.

So, what is today? Today is going to be a kodak moment day. Today is the day that we get to tell you about our upcoming trip to Southern CA. I am so excited to see the look on your face. I am so anxious to see your reaction. Most importantly, I am so excited to spend a lot of days with you, where I can be spoiled by just having fun with you. Universal Studios, Disneyland for two days, and Knott's Berry Farm! How fun will this be? If you only understood how much time, energy and thought that went into this, you would understand how crazy busy we have been.
I have been doing fundraising with sis... but she started putting all of this in motion. Dad has been planning things to a T... you know how dad is when it comes to planning. So... we are almost there buddy.

I am glad you were able to go to dinner with us last night and that you met Derek. He is a pretty nice young man isn't he. He would be a great friend to have son. Your needs are about the same, he is polite and well mannered just like you, and smart. Those are the qualities to look for when looking for a friend. Make great choices buddy.

Okay honey, I must get ready. I need to walk out the door in a half hour. I love you honey... to the moon and back, I love you........

Sunday, September 14, 2008

And then there was you.......

I am so proud of you son! I am so glad you have done well enough to get yourself out of the hospital. I am anxious to see you apply some of the skills that you have learned into your everyday life. I know you are a stKrong young man. I know you are a wise young man. I know you are a kind young man with so many great manners. I have nothing but high hopes for you.

Just remember in life buddy, you have to take time out for you. Know that even the best of us can lose ourselves in life and issues and anything in between. Remember that you are worth everything you want to be worth. Have self respect and dignity. Have a heart that feels others pain and wants to reach out and help them as a giving heart is priceless. Treat people fairly and with kind words. Don't be in a hurry to point fingers. Self reflect, and do it often to really know who you are. Let your words tell people how you feel, not your actions.

I could go on all night long son. It feels rather odd to me at moments that you are not in our house, in your room. I know someone else is cooking for you and listening to you and it is difficult for me at moments, but then I remember what wonderful people you are with. I remember you are my son, and I am your mom, no matter what. Remember that I love you to the moon and back and NOTHING will ever change that. I wish I had all the skills to help you and I wish I could take away your pain and confusion. For now, all I can do is support you and be here for you whenever you need me, and even when you don't need me.

I had a great day with you today getting ice cream.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Hey Tay!

Hey Tay....

I have been up most of the night thinking of you buddy. I am so excited to get you home. Your last day at the Parry Center will be on Friday. I am sure you must be getting so very excited. Just so you know how much I love you son. Everything is going to be okay. No matter what we are going to get through this together. You are such a good young man. I sure have been liking spending time with you when you are at home. I especially like our errands time so we can sit and chat together.

Just hang on... you are almost to your transitional home. I can't wait for you to learn the skills needed so you get to come home here with us. You know this is ALWAYS your home and we ALWAYS will love you.

See you soon buddy. I will be there on Thursday to see you. Hugs buddy.


Monday, September 8, 2008

So much for the all you can eat pasta at olive garden

We took the kids out for all you can eat pasta at Olive Garden on Saturday. It is so good. I highly recommend half meat sauce and half garlic alfredo... YUM! Well, Spencer dared Taylor with a bet that he would not be able to eat three bowls of pasta. The bet was if he couldn't do it, Taylor would have to wash his jeep and one of our cars. If Taylor won, he really wanted me to take him to Dairy Queen. I am not sure how I got roped into it as it was not my bet at all.

Taylor started looking haggard during the duration of eating three heaping servings of pasta. At one point he almost threw in the towel.... however, he kept going.... He did it. After that, poor fella felt so stuffed he didn't feel good. We ate an early dinner... so we were sure that he would not want dairy queen until the following day. HECK no... I had to get dressed again at 8:30p to go on a Dairy Queen run for him. I was so ready for bed since I had been up since three a.m.

He still has no idea that we are going on the trip. I am not sure when we will tell him. We can't tell him too far in advance as it is difficult for him, the unknown, and he would be really antsy for the remaining month or so.... We found someone that will be house sitting for us so that will be nice also. Our dog will be able to stay at home and that is nice too.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Larry and Renee

We went last week to meet the transitional home that Taylor will be living in. (sorry for my lack of blogging as I am working so much overtime). It was a really difficult morning for all of us. It really was scary, the unknown.

We met with them and Amanda went with us, as well as Carlie. We felt Taylor should be surrounded by his immediate family. It was hard for Amanda and it broke my heart. It was hard on all of us, but especially Amanda. There were many tears shed.

What do I think of the Tylers? I think that they love children. I think that they have a life calling to help children with special needs. They are kind and gentle spoken. They are knowledgeable. They are on the same page as we are. They are on the page of the good people.

We spoke a bit about Taylor and his behaviors and needs. To be honest, it is hard. It is hard that this is my baby that I love, and that my husband loves. He is our son. Here we are relinquishing our son to the care of another set of people. Taylor wasn't sure what to call them. I told him that he is more than welcome to call them mom and dad if that is comfortable to him. As I said those words, my brain and my heart were working against each other to be honest. Logically, the word mom being called to another woman, it is all right, but as for emotionally, that does hurt my heart. That is my son that I carried for 9 months and raised for 17 years. He is my only son. He is my boy, my buddy, who my heart worries about most in life, and here, I say, yes, it is okay to call her mom. Yet, there was such a relief to him. His mind doesn't have to battle itself in what to call them or if it is going to hurt my feelings, or if it is going to make them upset. It gave him permission to relax, and when he is feeling confused, he can't relax. Will him calling her mom reflect on the way that I love him or how he loves me? Surely not. Nothing can change history. He is always going to be my son. He is always going to be our son. He will always love his dad as his dad and me as his mom. I am a firm believer that nobody will be hurt by more people loving them. He is going to be loved by more. It kind of goes back to the saying it takes a village to raise a child.

As always keep my family and my son lifted in prayer please. We can always use them. Prayer is the greatest power in our lives. Amanda really needs the prayers also as she is really battling this in her mind. She loves him so much. It would be one thing if we were bad people and our son was taken from us due to abuse or neglect, but that is surely not the case. We are choosing to let him go to get help.